I found that a few years ago I was over the fact that I'm the flagship (oldest male, that is) grandchild on both sides of a large family and yet am 26, single, (with no kids) and no prospective marriage partner on the horizon. Doesn't mean I was over not being in a relationship, but I was at least okay not being married and having born the family some grandchildren or something.
I am as content with being single as I've ever been in my life (which most of my life has been "not very content at all") and yet my recent trip home for the holidays reinforced and resurrected something- I'm getting old, and at least in my family and my hometown (but not necessarily in Chicago) everyone my age is getting or has gotten married, and are working on the kids thing now.
Now I'm not foolish enough to think that I could or should be raising kids right now, but at the same time, I could, and...should I be? I mean you think that all these people with families started one because they were ready, but you don't really choose the timing of that sorta thing- meeting someone, falling in love, and even oops we're having a baby. You just sorta are ready cause you don't have any choice but to be ready at some point. So I guess I'm as ready as anyone...?
Bottom line is though, that I finally think I am starting to feel the pressure a bit- maybe its because I am taking active pursuit of my future in other areas of my life, such as grad school, my current job, and illustrating on the side, but I got this sudden feeling like I needed to get back to Chicago and get pursuing starting a family or something! It was a bit weird, and clearly I cannot "get pursuing" something like that, but I still had that feeling like I had screwed up or something and needed to get on the ball. And yet there's nothing I can do. Weird feeling. I suddenly felt like I, among all these cousins near-ish my age, with children, was not doing what I was supposed to, was behind, was so out of place amidst those who were raising kids with their true love.
I guess I'm okay with it now, but that feeling of frenzy or panic that I had for part of a day was weird, and felt genuine, and really made me think. I saw myself so old and felt like I was wasting this time of my life that was meant for being a young parent, or something...
posted by CSerge @ 10:14 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
You are so busy with things and talk little about what you are thinking and feeling, then you write this. One would never know you have these ideas in your head. As far as I know, most people question if they are doing what they are supposed to do at a particular time. That often happens when you look at what others are doing and wonder if you are out of sync or underachieving. Where does this feeling of "I should be having kids" come from? Is it loneliness, or wanting what others have, or feeling left behind as others progress through the phases of life? If single is your vocation, at least for now, there is nothing inherently wrong with that. Many people enjoy relationships with friends and family. Are you being called to the single life permanently? You have a priest uncle, right? Could you see yourself doing that?
Hey, this is Michelle. I can't remember my username, etc...
I think what Theresa said (the other "comment" here) is true. Everyone looks around and sees that they could be doing something else. I look at you, and wonder what my life would have been like, had I not married at 20, and then had 3 kids in 4 1/2 years. I bet I'd be more rested. :) The funny thing is that I felt "ready" for marriage and kids...but looking back, I realize I didn't have the first freaking clue. Being married isn't really the biggest issue ~ being a parent is a whole different ball of wax. I had no idea that Emily would kick my a** so badly, being my first child and all...and I've been praying ever since that I do a good job with her and the boys. Come on down and visit us; then you can be greatful to head home to your quiet apartment. :) No, but seriously, you will figure it out as it comes. That's all you can do. You are a great guy, and you will be a great dad. Maybe it's a good thing that you're figuring out the whole job thing before you're forced to work somewhere you hate, just to pay the bills for your family.
As for the "single" thing, I can understand why you would feel pressured. Hell, in our family, it's all about family...don't be hard on yourself, and try not to wig out about it. It'll happen when God wants it to happen. Until then, you seem busy and mostly happy, and sometimes that has to be enough.
I miss you! Oh, and just because I have "mom guilt" I have to say for the record that I, in no way, regret my life or how it's panned out in the last 7 years.
Oh, and yes...we are getting old. When Nathan and Adam are driving, Chris is a senior in college, Kajer is in Old College, U. Neil is looking at 37 this year, and I am the mother of a kindergartner...that means we're old as freaking dirt.
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