Did anyone else used to have mental lists in their head in grade school of the people they liked? I sure did. You know you did. I had like a top five and it always was changing, and it was ranked too- there was always a number one who I'd most like to "go out with" and I'm pretty sure it continued into high school and through college. The list doesn't really so much exist anymore but I guess you still always have in mind a number one person you're interested in, and maybe a two or three, that you'd most like to date and most put your effort into pursuing. Now look back and remember when you had those lists- I know you did...

I found that a few years ago I was over the fact that I'm the flagship (oldest male, that is) grandchild on both sides of a large family and yet am 26, single, (with no kids) and no prospective marriage partner on the horizon. Doesn't mean I was over not being in a relationship, but I was at least okay not being married and having born the family some grandchildren or something.

I am as content with being single as I've ever been in my life (which most of my life has been "not very content at all") and yet my recent trip home for the holidays reinforced and resurrected something- I'm getting old, and at least in my family and my hometown (but not necessarily in Chicago) everyone my age is getting or has gotten married, and are working on the kids thing now.

Now I'm not foolish enough to think that I could or should be raising kids right now, but at the same time, I could, and...should I be? I mean you think that all these people with families started one because they were ready, but you don't really choose the timing of that sorta thing- meeting someone, falling in love, and even oops we're having a baby. You just sorta are ready cause you don't have any choice but to be ready at some point. So I guess I'm as ready as anyone...?

Bottom line is though, that I finally think I am starting to feel the pressure a bit- maybe its because I am taking active pursuit of my future in other areas of my life, such as grad school, my current job, and illustrating on the side, but I got this sudden feeling like I needed to get back to Chicago and get pursuing starting a family or something! It was a bit weird, and clearly I cannot "get pursuing" something like that, but I still had that feeling like I had screwed up or something and needed to get on the ball. And yet there's nothing I can do. Weird feeling. I suddenly felt like I, among all these cousins near-ish my age, with children, was not doing what I was supposed to, was behind, was so out of place amidst those who were raising kids with their true love.

I guess I'm okay with it now, but that feeling of frenzy or panic that I had for part of a day was weird, and felt genuine, and really made me think. I saw myself so old and felt like I was wasting this time of my life that was meant for being a young parent, or something...

I got your blog right here.

Second in an apparent disjointed series of late-night weekend rants.


Here's how I feel about volunteering. Why do I not do it? 90% of it is because yes, I'm too lazy, or too apathetic, or too self-absorbed. I recognize that, I wish it wasn't so, I wish I could change it, I am trying to change it. But the other 10%. I worry, and know, that a large part of my guilt or worry about the fact that I don't do stuff like that, is because I worry that I am not helping, not giving of myself, not doing my part.

But what's the bottom line of this thinking? That other 10% is because I don't want to be just doing it to fulfill my socially created need to do it, appeasing my internalized feeling that I should be doing something, happy and content with myself when I finally do, feeling that yes, I am guilt free, I am off the hook, because I am doing my part, dammit.

Well you know what I think about doing your part? If you've read this blog in the past, you may know, cause I think I've touched on this. This is an entry that I'd enjoy getting responses from the five people that have ever ready what I type here. I think doing your part is a load of bullshit. I'm not gonna get in the face of someone volunteering at the soup kitchen and tell them they're lame, or that they shouldn't be doing it, or that its worthless, or that they're not making a difference.

But you know what? You think you can make a difference? MAKE ONE. That's my challenge. To myself included! MAKE ONE. You make think George W. Bush is an idiot, or you may not, but look at him, his position of power, the things he's done, good or bad. One man from Texas. What's to stop you from being any different? What's to keep any one person from making a profound difference? I hope its not circumstances or opportunities, cause those complaints should be reserved for the people you're helping that are living in the streets.

Make a difference. Don't appeal to your guilt or feed your little feeling of self-worth or happiness that comes from ladling out some soup once a week, cause you know what? If you weren't doing it, someone else would be. Yep- those people would still get their soup in their bowls. Make a damn difference, if you want to- they say "shit, or get off the pot." Equal parts crude and poignant, and I have to agree- stop talking about making a difference, stop talking about problems, stop pontificating- nothing's being changed by your sitting on your horse, and you pretending to care and have an opinion on the matter doesn't do one bit of difference. Go out and MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Quit your yammering and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Look at one any other single individual in the history of mankind has accomplished, and try and do something like THAT, cause you're no different from them. Your potential and your opportunity is no less. And at the end of the day, your soup ladling had made no difference in the world but settled your own peace of mind and allowed you to sit on your ass in front of the TV guillt-free. Congratulations. I'm done.

How cool would it be to have this disorder- that I made up. Your thoughts and vocalizations are not in time with your experiences, so your verbal responses are delayed. Your physical actions are normal though. Picture this-

You're on your way home, walking down to the train, you just miss it. You think dammit, I just missed the train! But your speaking of it is delayed, as is everything else- so when you get home, you walk in and instead of saying "hi", you say dammit, I missed my train! 5 minutes later you say oh good there's another train, I'm almost home. But you're sitting at home making dinner already. As you're making dinner you say "hi, I'm home, how was your day?" as you're getting your hand burned by a hot pan. You don't say anything. Ten minutes later, as you're sitting down to eat, you say "I think I'll have some pasta tonight" and a couple minutes later "ow, dammit, stupid hot pan!" as you're eating your food. And so on and so forth. I think that'd hysterical. Funny to watch in a movie or something.